Blessings

As I ready myself for the Avon Walk this weekend by taking off one talisman (my grandmother's ring made into a necklace) and putting on another (my Avon Walk necklace with a pink ribbon, pink flip flop and sneaker as charms), I have been thinking how very blessed I am. Here are some of the reasons...

• When we found out my mother had Stage IV cancer in September, I don't think any of us thought she would be doing as well as she is 9 months in.
• Dad loves the fact that he loses custody of his car to me every weekend that I'm out.
• I have THE most supportive family and friends that anyone could ever hope for.
• I was able to read a book with and help T3 with his homework this weekend - which was a true joy. That boy is super smart.
• My godson knows that when he sees anyone in the military he should thank them for their service and he asked me to go with him. The smiles that he put on their faces on Saturday lit his face up.
• I spent an amazing day at the beach with most of my family which included the Blue Angels, but more importantly chatting, snacking and hunting for hermit crabs with the boys.
• Two changes that started last fall could have had had disastrous effects but turned out amazing.
• Thanks to our amazing supporters, Team No De-Feet walks for the 9th year. Without our donors, we would not have been able to raise $60,000 over these last years.

This weekend will be full of laughter and tears - an amazing journey undertaken by thousands of women and men who walk because we can. Pray for no rain, no blisters and strong legs. Our hearts, as always, will be full and I will be thinking of all of my blessings.

Pac Man, Kodiak's and Miracle Manicures

Thank you, Google. As anyone who's read my blog knows, I use Pac Man as my visualization for eating Mom's cancer up. Google celebrated Pac Man's 30th anniversary by having a playable Pac Man on their search page from Friday until Sunday. Love it. I'm thinking that all those games of Pac Man played were eating up more of Mom's cancer. I'll take just about anything as a good sign in the war against EC.

The Docs decided to stick with just using Irinotecan for now. I don't have any idea what that means but I can tell you that for some reason I felt upset when I heard this. Who knows what was working so well on mom's cancer...for whatever reason, we all thought it was the Cisplatin but it could have just as easily been the Irinotecan. We'll find out at the next set of CTs/MRIs (some time the week of June 14) if the Irinotecan alone is as effective. So, say your prayers, send your well wishes and imagine Pac Man eating up the cancer!

Baby Bro's brand new restaurant, Kodiak's, opened on Sunday. Place looks great and the food is totally awesome. As are the drinks. I think it's going to be a huge hit and I am so proud of all that he's done there. It's really quite amazing.

Mom discovered the miracle manicure at her nail salon a few months ago. I pooh poohed her for a month or so. I refuse to get manicures because they last about two days. I don't have that kind of time for maintenance! Mom kept insisting that this manicure lasted for three weeks - I kept saying that she had a life of leisure now and THAT was the reason why the manicure was lasting for so long. She finally convinced me to try it, which I did last month when we went for mother/daughter mani/pedis. And, she's totally right. It does last. I just went for my third one with Mom and SIL this past Saturday. I have been going every two weeks because you can see growth at the bottom of the nail after that. But, seriously? No chips and even better - no broken nails. So, if your nail salon offers a gel manicure, get thee one. You will be amazed. There aren't as many colors, but I can live with that. And, it's a little more than a regular manicure, but worth it.

Last thing, Team No De-Feet walks the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Chicago June 5th and 6th. This member is wholly unprepared but will walk for as long as I can. So, think about us next weekend when you're at the pool or beach or whatever your doing and pray for no blisters, no rain, and strong legs. Our hearts will be full.

Stable

When it comes to follow-up CT and MRI results with a cancer diagnosis there are few words more beautiful than "stable." Decreased is one. NED, which stands for no evidence of disease, is the most beautiful. Wiktionary defines stable as "relatively unchanged." When you're looking at measurements of tumors on a scan, relatively unchanged is pretty awesome. Stable appeared in Mom's CT results from last week 12 times (yes, I counted). "No new suspicious" appeared 3 times. Decreased (only the 2nd most beautiful word as far as these things go) appeared one blessed time.

In the pre-chemo baseline CT, Mom had mets to the lung, a few lymph nodes, and the liver. And, of course, the main tumor in the esophagus. Then, there was that pesky second cancer in the kidney. Everything, except the kidney tumor, is at least half the size now as it was in the baseline. Some are still there, but not measurable. Some are gone completely. There are no new suspicious findings. So, yet another fantastic set of test results.

We enter a new stage now. After yet another allergic reaction to the cisplatin yesterday, the Doc has decided that he's going to take her off it. Mom will start a new chemotherapy combination next Monday. Her Doc is consulting with the MSK Doc in NYC to determine a new combo. We have had such luck with the cisplatin/irnitocan combo that it's hard to say goodbye to it. Even though it's the right thing. Let's hope the new combo works as well with as few side effects. Keep up all the prayers, well wishes, asteroid killing and pacman eating visualizations.

Tests

Mom goes for her follow-up CT and MRIs tomorrow. It'll be interesting because this was the course where she developed her allergy to cisplatin. So, rather than 4 doses of irinotecan and 4 of cisplatin she was only able to get a bit over 3 of the cisplatin.

She's also worried because she's had a headache for the past week. Every headache she gets brings the fear of recurrence in her brain. She doesn't think it's the same type of headache she had with the tumors...and the weather has been insane over the past week. So, it's probably nothing. Most likely sinus-related..

But...there's always that but. I can't speak for my entire family; but, I think we all live with this undercurrent of fear. Last fall was hell - first we find out she has cancer and she immediately has to have brain surgery. Then because of a lot of reasons we "waste" an additional 2 months getting the correct diagnosis. And the only thing we wanted was for her to start getting treatment.
But since then? We have been so lucky - side effects are dealable (says the person who doesn't have to deal with them) and her response to the chemo has been nothing short of stupendous. Nothing but good news since Jan 4.

The fear still remains though. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the bad news to start coming. Please don't let it start tomorrow. So, say a little prayer or send your good wishes out in to the universe that tomorrow's tests bring good news on Monday.

Diets, Chemo and Bermuda

I went shopping with my mom on Saturday...I was looking for some clothes for this work thing I have to go to mid-May. So, we go to the mall - first stop, Coldwater Creek. I find some appropriate things, Mom finds some stuff that I'm not crazy about but promise to try on. Now, I am a little worried because I've noticed that most of my clothes have become uncomfortably tight. So, I take my "normal" size and a size above into the dressing room. And NOTHING fits. NOTHING! A few tops, but no pants, skirts or dresses fit. I should have just stopped there. Because seriously, if nothing fits in Coldwater Creek - where the sizes are generous - I'm a LOT heavier than I think I am. And, I am not buying stuff three sizes bigger than what I think is my "real" size. (Because, I really liked a pair of pants that I tried on so I went two sizes bigger. Still too tight.)

But, do we stop? NO! Stupidly, we go in to Banana Republic. I tried on a pair of pants that I loved, I asked my mom to go and get me that pair that was three sizes larger. I would have bought them too - if they fit. Now, I'm almost in tears and my mom is trying to be a good cheerleader, but she can't cheer the uncheerable. Now, I'm ready to go home. But, I figure we'll try Macy's. I find a few tops and a decent dress. And buy a pair of pants that are a little small...stupid. I know.

So, now my mom and I are talking diets. And, I'm hating - absolutely hating - everything she's saying to me. And, she convinces me to join a gym. The next day, she forces me on the scale. (Only my mom and my Dr. can get me on a scale.) And, while I don't think I'm fat, I am definitely overweight. I need to lose 20 pounds. My mom seems to think I can lose 10 in 3 weeks (for my work thing).

So, here it is. Just about 41 and I am now on my first diet ever. Three days into it - and crap, I have no idea how I'm going to last. I'm hungry all the time. I live for my english muffin that I have every morning for breakfast. I don't think I ever really knew how much I love carbs until now when I have practically none.

I think every woman I know has been on a diet at least once in their life. So, I get that I've been lucky for most of my life. Doesn't make me hate this diet any less. Because, three days into it - I'm sick of salad and I miss croutons. And cheese. How I love and miss cheese.

My mom has struggled with her weight for most of her adult life. She and her friend used to joke that it took cancer to get them thin. Mom's upset that she's gained most of the weight back that she lost last year before she knew she had cancer (we tell her it's a GOOD thing).

Mom just finished her third round of chemo...except now there's a complication. She has developed an allergy to cisplatin. Last week, about halfway through the cisplatin, she started getting all blotchy and her tongue started swelling. She was red from her forehead to her knees. Tongue started swelling up. They stopped the IV and eventually reversed the effects with some high doses of a steroid. Doc doesn't want to stop the cisplatin because he is convinced that is what is working so well on the cancer. So, this week, he makes her take a bunch of steroids in the 12 hours before the chemo, in addition to extra steroids that they give her when she goes for chemo. And, she's able to take most of the cisplatin this week. They did have to stop it towards the end because she started to have another allergic reaction, but they got most of it in. And, so it goes - the docs trying to balance trying not to kill you with the "cure."

Next week is an off week and also the week she goes for her CT and MRI. Again, I ask you - think good strong thoughts about Pac Man, Asteroids, and anything else that kills rogue cancer cells. Send all your prayers or good thoughts out there for my mom.

Last thing, Dad surprised Mom with a trip to Bermuda to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. They're staying at the same hotel they spent their honeymoon at. Sweet, right? Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. The fact that you love (and like) each other more today than you did 45 years ago is an inspiration to us all.

Choices

I was speaking to a friend today and told her that I thought my life was falling apart around me. I complained about my total and complete inertia on the weekends that I stayed home.

For example...I have such a large pile of clothing that needs to go to the dry cleaners that I needed to scramble every day this week for something to wear to work. I had to "save" a suit to wear for a client meeting today. My apartment is a total mess - the worst it has EVER been. And, that's saying something. I adore the friend that said I'm not a slob, this is just evidence of my "passionate living." I don't think that is at all true (especially now), but I give her huge points for positive spin.

So, I was trying to work out why I am plagued by this inertia...am I like the anorexic who doesn't feel in control over other parts of her life, so controls what she puts (or doesn't put) in her mouth? Do I feel so out of control because of my mom's cancer that I'm controlling this environment that I live in? My friend cut me off right there...she said that while that could be the case, she thought that maybe I'm just tired. And, I am making a choice not to do things that I "should" do because when I'm home I need down time. And, if down time is reading, messing around on FB, or doing nothing at all, then that's ok. And, I should stop feeling so damn guilty.

So, rather than thinking about the 500 things I "should" do this weekend, I am going to focus on the thing that I absolutely have to do - get to the dry cleaners. I may need to take out another mortgage to pay for it, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do.

Last thing - I noticed that my last post was on April 1 and I was so happy about the joys of spring and all it means...so my question is - has anyone seen Spring? Been missing around here for a few weeks.

Spring!

It's been spring for a few weeks now...but today is the first day in NYC that it really feels it.

Spring is a time of rebirth, renewal and regrowth (except for cancer! Spring is cancer's kryptonite. No scientific proof of this, just a belief that I'm going with.). I felt all the promise that spring brings on the way to work today. Flowers blooming, trees budding, rain (finally) stopping. Forecast for an awesome Easter weekend. It's such a hopeful season!

Today, I received even more news to be hopeful. A friend on the EC listserv received wonderful news today. Towards the end of this holiest week, she received news that her husband is in remission! No tests, no chemo for 4 months. What a wonderful gift for the spring and start of the summer. I am so happy for them!

This gentleman was diagnosed a few short months before my mother - and I have felt a special kinship with them because of the brain mets (this is so rare in EC - they're the only other ones on the listserv with brain mets). While Mom's cancer is more advanced than his was, this news gave me another burst of hope.

Happy Spring! Happy April!