Diets, Chemo and Bermuda

I went shopping with my mom on Saturday...I was looking for some clothes for this work thing I have to go to mid-May. So, we go to the mall - first stop, Coldwater Creek. I find some appropriate things, Mom finds some stuff that I'm not crazy about but promise to try on. Now, I am a little worried because I've noticed that most of my clothes have become uncomfortably tight. So, I take my "normal" size and a size above into the dressing room. And NOTHING fits. NOTHING! A few tops, but no pants, skirts or dresses fit. I should have just stopped there. Because seriously, if nothing fits in Coldwater Creek - where the sizes are generous - I'm a LOT heavier than I think I am. And, I am not buying stuff three sizes bigger than what I think is my "real" size. (Because, I really liked a pair of pants that I tried on so I went two sizes bigger. Still too tight.)

But, do we stop? NO! Stupidly, we go in to Banana Republic. I tried on a pair of pants that I loved, I asked my mom to go and get me that pair that was three sizes larger. I would have bought them too - if they fit. Now, I'm almost in tears and my mom is trying to be a good cheerleader, but she can't cheer the uncheerable. Now, I'm ready to go home. But, I figure we'll try Macy's. I find a few tops and a decent dress. And buy a pair of pants that are a little small...stupid. I know.

So, now my mom and I are talking diets. And, I'm hating - absolutely hating - everything she's saying to me. And, she convinces me to join a gym. The next day, she forces me on the scale. (Only my mom and my Dr. can get me on a scale.) And, while I don't think I'm fat, I am definitely overweight. I need to lose 20 pounds. My mom seems to think I can lose 10 in 3 weeks (for my work thing).

So, here it is. Just about 41 and I am now on my first diet ever. Three days into it - and crap, I have no idea how I'm going to last. I'm hungry all the time. I live for my english muffin that I have every morning for breakfast. I don't think I ever really knew how much I love carbs until now when I have practically none.

I think every woman I know has been on a diet at least once in their life. So, I get that I've been lucky for most of my life. Doesn't make me hate this diet any less. Because, three days into it - I'm sick of salad and I miss croutons. And cheese. How I love and miss cheese.

My mom has struggled with her weight for most of her adult life. She and her friend used to joke that it took cancer to get them thin. Mom's upset that she's gained most of the weight back that she lost last year before she knew she had cancer (we tell her it's a GOOD thing).

Mom just finished her third round of chemo...except now there's a complication. She has developed an allergy to cisplatin. Last week, about halfway through the cisplatin, she started getting all blotchy and her tongue started swelling. She was red from her forehead to her knees. Tongue started swelling up. They stopped the IV and eventually reversed the effects with some high doses of a steroid. Doc doesn't want to stop the cisplatin because he is convinced that is what is working so well on the cancer. So, this week, he makes her take a bunch of steroids in the 12 hours before the chemo, in addition to extra steroids that they give her when she goes for chemo. And, she's able to take most of the cisplatin this week. They did have to stop it towards the end because she started to have another allergic reaction, but they got most of it in. And, so it goes - the docs trying to balance trying not to kill you with the "cure."

Next week is an off week and also the week she goes for her CT and MRI. Again, I ask you - think good strong thoughts about Pac Man, Asteroids, and anything else that kills rogue cancer cells. Send all your prayers or good thoughts out there for my mom.

Last thing, Dad surprised Mom with a trip to Bermuda to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. They're staying at the same hotel they spent their honeymoon at. Sweet, right? Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. The fact that you love (and like) each other more today than you did 45 years ago is an inspiration to us all.

Choices

I was speaking to a friend today and told her that I thought my life was falling apart around me. I complained about my total and complete inertia on the weekends that I stayed home.

For example...I have such a large pile of clothing that needs to go to the dry cleaners that I needed to scramble every day this week for something to wear to work. I had to "save" a suit to wear for a client meeting today. My apartment is a total mess - the worst it has EVER been. And, that's saying something. I adore the friend that said I'm not a slob, this is just evidence of my "passionate living." I don't think that is at all true (especially now), but I give her huge points for positive spin.

So, I was trying to work out why I am plagued by this inertia...am I like the anorexic who doesn't feel in control over other parts of her life, so controls what she puts (or doesn't put) in her mouth? Do I feel so out of control because of my mom's cancer that I'm controlling this environment that I live in? My friend cut me off right there...she said that while that could be the case, she thought that maybe I'm just tired. And, I am making a choice not to do things that I "should" do because when I'm home I need down time. And, if down time is reading, messing around on FB, or doing nothing at all, then that's ok. And, I should stop feeling so damn guilty.

So, rather than thinking about the 500 things I "should" do this weekend, I am going to focus on the thing that I absolutely have to do - get to the dry cleaners. I may need to take out another mortgage to pay for it, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do.

Last thing - I noticed that my last post was on April 1 and I was so happy about the joys of spring and all it means...so my question is - has anyone seen Spring? Been missing around here for a few weeks.

Spring!

It's been spring for a few weeks now...but today is the first day in NYC that it really feels it.

Spring is a time of rebirth, renewal and regrowth (except for cancer! Spring is cancer's kryptonite. No scientific proof of this, just a belief that I'm going with.). I felt all the promise that spring brings on the way to work today. Flowers blooming, trees budding, rain (finally) stopping. Forecast for an awesome Easter weekend. It's such a hopeful season!

Today, I received even more news to be hopeful. A friend on the EC listserv received wonderful news today. Towards the end of this holiest week, she received news that her husband is in remission! No tests, no chemo for 4 months. What a wonderful gift for the spring and start of the summer. I am so happy for them!

This gentleman was diagnosed a few short months before my mother - and I have felt a special kinship with them because of the brain mets (this is so rare in EC - they're the only other ones on the listserv with brain mets). While Mom's cancer is more advanced than his was, this news gave me another burst of hope.

Happy Spring! Happy April!

Results

I started this blog shortly after receiving my mom's first follow-up CT results. It was only a little over a month ago, but it seems like forever ago. Back then, I knew that while those particular results were positive, my mom's cancer was much more advanced than I had realized. I was in a pretty bad place emotionally. I had lost most of my hope and I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to deal with anything.

I am in an entirely different place now - thank God. Because seriously, while this blog may be about me and my journey - my Mom's cancer is about HER. And I need to be able to be strong and hopeful for my Mom and Dad.

Mom's results came back and they continue to be good. The MRI still shows no new/recurrence in the brain. WHEW! The CT continues to show improvement - most of the lung nodules are gone, the liver tumor is smaller as is the main esophageal tumor. Sis and I went to the Dr. with Mom this Monday. Mom asked the Dr. if he ever saw this just "go away." He said...yes. Mom pointed out when we spoke about it later that there was a long pause there. So, not likely, but possible. I do have to say, I wish these doctors would stop handling us with kid gloves. When we ask these questions, we want realistic answers. He could have said - yes, but it doesn't happen that often. Or, ever? Sure. But, it's not the most probable scenario. Or, whatever the truth is. (In fairness, I suppose we could have asked a follow-up question.)

Mom has been worrying that she's going to be on chemo forever, so Sis asked what about a break in chemo. Do you see that? Dr. said yes. (No pause there.) Problem is that Mom has that pesky second cancer - so if they think that she's well enough to go off chemo for at least six weeks, they'd probably be scheduling surgery to remove (at least part of, if not all) her kidney. Which kind of sucks, but what can you do? As we all know, Cancer Sucks! And, it doesn't play fair.

Here's the thing though...I mentioned that I signed up for an EC listserv back in December. And, while there is a lot of hope there, there's also a lot of people that have horrific side effects from their chemo. And, Mom? NONE of that. First, unless you really know her, you wouldn't know she was sick just by looking at her. Her worst side effect is fatigue - she tires fairly easily nowadays. She's nauseous for the first few days after chemo, but she can control it (mostly) with meds. Some people on my listserv are too fatigued to do much of anything - Mom babysat yesterday for her two precious (and active) grandchildren. Yes, she was tired at the end of the day (but, no more than I would have been!). So, she's lucky. We talked about that on Monday, too.

On the last day of National Women's History month, I thank my favorite woman in the world. For teaching me to be me and instilling in me a strong sense of self-worth. For handling a crappy diagnosis with grace, dignity, strength and amazing spirit. I love you, Mom.

Test Anxiety...

When I was in school, every test I ever took I was anxious about. The tests I have taken since school for my career...anxious isn't strong enough a word. Series 7 - first thing I ever took for my career. First, everyone tells you how hard it is. Then, I was failing all of the practice tests that I took - right up until the last one. Plus, I was terrified that I was going to be fired if I failed (that doesn't happen, but still!). I couldn't imagine telling my boss that I failed. ARGH. CTFA - wasn't as worried, but still a little. CFP - the one that was three years of qualifications before the big exam that took two days to take. Worried that I would forget everything from the first two years. But, here's the thing...I could study for those. And even though I was worried, I KNEW that I was in complete control of my own fate.

My mom has another set of follow-up tests this coming week. There is no studying for these tests. And she's not in control at all of what happens. The beast that is cancer is in complete control. Is it still responding to the chemo? Have her brain mets come back? Are the tumors smaller? If not smaller (the hope), then at least the same size? No way of knowing. No way of preparing.

You all know I'm a control freak. Hard for me to deal with something that I have no control over. The only thing we can do is hope and pray for the best. Prepare yourself mentally for the possibility of bad news.

And lean on the people who love you...so here's what I'm asking. Say a little prayer for Mom sometime this week. Send your best wishes for her out into the world. Imagine lasers from that Asteroids game exploding all of her cancer cells. Or a little Pac Man inside of her eating them all up. That's what I'm going to do.

And, I will try to remember these inspirational words...life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. It gets a little easier to do that every day.

A Little Inspiration to Get Me Through...

A dear friend died on Sunday...she was my Mom's best friend who fought a valiant battle against leukemia for close to two years. I take solace in the fact that she is now at peace and with her beloved husband and their two sons. She was in so much pain and at least, now that's over. I grew up Catholic and while I may have issues with my Church, there's enough in me that still believes in the basic tenets. That there is a God and we are not meant to understand. And that there is a Heaven and that some day, we will all be together again. I ache for her daughter that she leaves behind and hope that my cousin will take comfort and support from all of the sources that are offering it.

 

So, with that, I offer the below inspiration that was forwarded to me back when Mom was first diagnosed. Some of those chain-type emails have something to offer. This is one of those... 

 

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will.  Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone.  It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood... But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now.  Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ''In five years, will this matter?"
26. Always choose to live life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything.  Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life ... Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day ... Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

 

Wishes

My mom's best friend is dying. They met on their honeymoons when my Dad and Uncle discovered that they both lived on LI on the check-in line. They have been friends ever since. My Aunt had each of her babies about a year after my mom had each of hers. I always thought it was funny that they had the same kind in the same order - boy, girl, boy.

I remember summers spent at their house, in and out of the pool, running around as kids are wont to do. They moved to CT when we were teenagers and we didn't see them as much. By then, however, they were family. The kids are our "cousins" and my Aunt and Uncle will always be my Aunt and Uncle.

My Aunt has 2 kinds of leukemia and she's fought valiantly for almost two years but she's nearing the end. They have done everything they can and now there's nothing left to do. She has had so much tragedy in her life - lost a husband and her two sons. So, here are my hopes and wishes for my Aunt and my cousin and my mom.

• I hope that my Aunt is able to say good bye to everyone she loves - and that her friend from FL makes it in time.
• I hope that she is no longer in pain and goes in peace.
• I hope that my cousin is able to find comfort in the arms of her boyfriend and all those who love her.
• I hope that my mom does not link my Aunt's journey to her own.
• I hope that hospice finds a bed soon to take some of the burden off of my cousin.
• I hope that my cousin is able to ask for what she needs from all of us - I know how difficult that can be.

And my wishes to all of you, remember to tell those you love that you love them today. And try to every day.