Sunday, October 3, 2010

Feeling Kinda Crappy...Me and Mom

My mother cries every time I speak to her on the phone (and we talk almost every day). Every single time. Sometimes it's for no reason at all. Sometimes it's because she just feels like hell. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's because of something that I've done.

My parents went to Vegas last weekend - they saw Terry Fator and Cher. And, while she's telling me about the Cher show, she's telling me that Cher used to be married to Sonny Bono. And how they used to have a show. And then, after they got divorced, they still had a show. Now, I KNOW all of this. About Cher - no idea where Mom's going with this story. But, the truth is she's babbling a little (thank you, steroids!), and I'm at work. I don't have an unlimited of time here. (Yes, these are all excuses for what comes next.) So, I say something like, yes I know. And she gets all upset. Because she is sure she did not tell me this story - she only got home from Vegas late the night before. (She hates the "chemo brain" that makes her repeat things that she already has told someone, but even more than that she hates being told that this is repeated information. And, I know this. But most times, I can't help myself. It's hard to hear the same things over and over again without saying that you already heard this.)

Anyway, as she is getting upset, I'm trying to explain that I know this because I know this. The Sonny & Cher stuff isn't exactly top secret. And, the shows happened during my childhood. I had a Sonny & Cher stage and the dolls for crying out loud! So, it degenerates from there, she is upset that I'm interrupting her story with all kinds of "I knows" and I'm upset because I am yet again upsetting her. We eventually hang up, with Mom hysterical crying.

So, Mom is right on the emotional edge these days. Mostly, I think, because she's had really bad nausea for about 3 weeks. I guess we've been lucky to date because while there's been nausea, she's been able to deal. And, now, she really can't. The anti-emetics have worse side effects than the actual nausea so she refuses to take them. With the result that she feels like crap almost all the time. I'm pretty sure it's because of the cumulative effect of chemo (did you realize that I picked up my M.D. over the past year?). And, she hasn't had a break. Nonstop chemo since January.

But, I think Mom thinks it's because the cancer has spread more. And, that scares her. Who knows. She goes for her CT/MRIs the week of the 11th and we'll find out on the 18th how the cancer's doing.

Moral of my story for me...try to act like everything my Mom tells me is brand new information. The last thing she needs is for me to make her feel worse than she already does.


  1. Katie- TRUST me you are not an awful daughter.. You are a daughter that all Mom's want... smart, caring, loving, thoughtful and most of all you make your Mom & Dad proud!!

  2. Aww. Thanks, Betsy. Doesn't feel that way all the time. ;)

  3. Hey Katie--
    Don't be so hard on yourself. Your standards seem impossibly high. When you feel like that, remember all the joy and laughter you and your mom have shared, and how much beauty you have put in her life. The vacations alone that you two have taken, I'm sure she is so grateful for. I hope for a miracle every day for your family. Love you all. I don't know how to line myself to these posts, it's cuz Mary here.