Feeling Emotional about Elizabeth Edwards

I have to admit that when Elizabeth and John Edwards announced the recurrence, with mets to the bone, of her breast cancer, I was one who said, why doesn't he just drop out? I railed that they had young children and should be focused on them. Not campaigning.

But who am I to judge? I think it was easy for me to sit in the comfort of my own home and think I knew what was best for her and her family. I know for a fact that my mom does not want to be treated like an invalid before she must. And, she is determined to have as full a life as she can while she still can. I imagine Elizabeth thought much the same. Back when she still thought her husband was an honorable man, even if she did have questions, I guess she thought he would have been what was best for our country. And, perhaps, she thought getting him elected could be her legacy.

I was so sad when I heard about her death yesterday. It hit me much harder than I ever would have expected. When I think about her children, I break down.
There are lessons to be learned in how Elizabeth handled her disease. She treated each day as a gift. I understand that she was writing a letter of life lessons to her children during these past three years. Good for her. I am certain her children will treasure it.

Dignity. Courage. Grace. All under the ever watchful eye and glare of the media. We can all learn from that.

Rest in peace, Elizabeth.

Radiation done...Chemo to Restart next week

It took 10 days of radiation to do what 10 months of chemo didn't do. Make my mom look sick. When I saw my mom this weekend, the only thing I thought was...Damn. She looks like she's sick. And, the damn radiation makes her sick. Friday and Saturday were bad days. She really couldn't keep any food down. And, she's losing her hair. We're shaving it this weekend. I think. It sucks.

But...we're a year into this thing and today is Thanksgiving. Mom's hosting dinner - it was originally supposed to be 10 people but somehow we got up to 20. I'm so thankful for my whole family and for this year with Mom.

Whole Brain Radiation

So...my last post was about the results we got from the last MRI Mom had. Before the appointment with the radiation oncologist, Mom was almost certain that she didn't want whole brain radiation.

Well...after her meeting with the Doc, she changed her mind. I was a little worried that the Doc pressured her into having it. But she says no. That while she did go into the appointment thinking that she absolutely did not want whole brain radiation, she agreed that she would listen to the Doc. I think part of the reason that she decided to get it is that she trusts and likes this Dr. She was able to allay many of Mom's fears about her quality of life after the radiation. Biggest side effects will be short term memory loss - permanent in all likelihood - and hair loss. Also, let's throw in some more nausea.

Mom had her final two chemo sessions in the last two weeks and got fitted for her head mask last Wednesday. She starts radiation tomorrow. She'll have 10 treatments and then be off chemo for another two (or so) weeks after that. No chemo until December 6, at the earliest. So, while we treat the brain, that pesky met in the liver will have some time to grow.

I wish I had some of my Mom's strength and grace. She's the one who's sick but I'm the one who's pissed. And, scared.

I'm asking for your continued prayers for Mom. That she handles the radiation well. That it does what it's supposed to do and gets rid of the recurrence in her brain. That the damn liver tumor doesn't grow while she can't have chemo. That the side effects of the radiation aren't debilitating. That her daughter is able to hide her fear and anger.

Thanks to all of you, I couldn't have made it through this last year without you. Heart thingy.

Test Results...

I went to LI to visit Mom this weekend...we had a fantastic time. Saturday was spent doing our album for our Ireland trip on Shutterfly, then we went to see The Social Network (GREAT movie!), then shopping! And, since it was for boots (and not clothes) it was quite successful. Then, we went to Baby Bro's restaurant for dinner with Big Bro, SIL and my two fabulous nephews. Then, Sunday I had a great time at Baby Bro's restaurant watching the Jets slaughter the Broncos (ok, maybe not slaughter, but whatever, a win's a win).

Then, today came. I took today off work because I wanted to go to the Doc with Mom and Dad for the CT/MRI results. Bit of a communication problem at the premier cancer treatment center and Mom received a call this morning - BEFORE going to the Doc for the results - from a secretary wanting to schedule an appointment with the radiologist. Shouldn't happen.

Anyway, we had a heads up that the MRI results were disappointing. Found out at the appointment that the small spot that was seen on the last MRI was now several spots and there was additional swelling where her surgery was last year. Not good. I guess we'll hear more on Thursday about treatment options but it sucks. Also, the CT results were ok..not great, not awful...but, the liver tumor is a little bigger than it was the last time. For now, the Doc isn't changing her chemo regimen - she's going to stay on the Taxol - but it doesn't seem to be as effective. Plus, she'll go off the chemo while she's undergoing radiation for the brain tumors.

Mom is worried that this is the beginning of the end...I hated typing that last sentence but it's true. If the recommendation is full brain radiation, she's not going to let them do it because, in her words, she doesn't want to be a babbling idiot. She's trying to convince me that I don't want that either. I told her I'm not sure about that. I just want her around. As long as she's not in pain, I wouldn't care if she didn't know who I was.

Because my mom is a nurse, we used to talk all the time about what we would want if, God forbid, something awful happened to either of us. We agreed - no heroic measures. We wanted to die with dignity, blah, blah, blah. Do I still believe that now? For me, sure. But for my mom? When the very real possibility is staring me in the face every day now? When additional treatment may rob her of her speech, her memory, her ability to recognize us, her ability to take care of herself? But, could give her an additional 6 months or a year? Hell, no. I want EVERYTHING done.

But, this is her life. And, no matter what she decides, no matter what, I will support her. And, I will try to hide my pain from her. Because that's what she deserves. Because I promised her a long time ago - before she was ever sick - back when these promises should be made - when cooler heads prevail - when it seemed she was going to live forever - that I would respect her decisions and the way she wants to live and to die.

Feeling Kinda Crappy...Me and Mom

My mother cries every time I speak to her on the phone (and we talk almost every day). Every single time. Sometimes it's for no reason at all. Sometimes it's because she just feels like hell. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's because of something that I've done.

My parents went to Vegas last weekend - they saw Terry Fator and Cher. And, while she's telling me about the Cher show, she's telling me that Cher used to be married to Sonny Bono. And how they used to have a show. And then, after they got divorced, they still had a show. Now, I KNOW all of this. About Cher - no idea where Mom's going with this story. But, the truth is she's babbling a little (thank you, steroids!), and I'm at work. I don't have an unlimited of time here. (Yes, these are all excuses for what comes next.) So, I say something like, yes I know. And she gets all upset. Because she is sure she did not tell me this story - she only got home from Vegas late the night before. (She hates the "chemo brain" that makes her repeat things that she already has told someone, but even more than that she hates being told that this is repeated information. And, I know this. But most times, I can't help myself. It's hard to hear the same things over and over again without saying that you already heard this.)

Anyway, as she is getting upset, I'm trying to explain that I know this because I know this. The Sonny & Cher stuff isn't exactly top secret. And, the shows happened during my childhood. I had a Sonny & Cher stage and the dolls for crying out loud! So, it degenerates from there, she is upset that I'm interrupting her story with all kinds of "I knows" and I'm upset because I am yet again upsetting her. We eventually hang up, with Mom hysterical crying.

So, Mom is right on the emotional edge these days. Mostly, I think, because she's had really bad nausea for about 3 weeks. I guess we've been lucky to date because while there's been nausea, she's been able to deal. And, now, she really can't. The anti-emetics have worse side effects than the actual nausea so she refuses to take them. With the result that she feels like crap almost all the time. I'm pretty sure it's because of the cumulative effect of chemo (did you realize that I picked up my M.D. over the past year?). And, she hasn't had a break. Nonstop chemo since January.

But, I think Mom thinks it's because the cancer has spread more. And, that scares her. Who knows. She goes for her CT/MRIs the week of the 11th and we'll find out on the 18th how the cancer's doing.

Moral of my story for me...try to act like everything my Mom tells me is brand new information. The last thing she needs is for me to make her feel worse than she already does.

One Year...

Next weekend is Labor Day weekend. Labor Day weekend last year is when I found out that my mom had not been feeling well for six weeks and when Mom finally decided to see a Dr. about the headaches, nausea and balance issues that were getting progressively worse. (Nurses make the worst patients!) It was a few days after that when we found out that she had several tumors in her brain and received her original diagnosis of kidney cancer with mets to the brain. And that was the beginning of this scary journey.

After my mom's cancer diagnosis, we had no idea where we would be in a year. We were all terrified that she wasn't going to be around and that it was going to be an awful, scary, harrowing year. While it has been scary at times (especially those times right before her scan results come back), it's also been wonderful. And, something of a miracle to us.

We have had a year of Mom. A year of Mom's original tumors going away. Yes, a new one appeared, but it's smaller now than it originally was. A year of Mom in fairly decent health. Well, other than those cancers. ;) A year of Mom not suffering too many side effects from the poison they pump into her every week. A year of honest talks about how she wants to live her life with cancer. A year of realizing that no one knows how much time they have and everyone should be grateful for the time they're here.

And...most recently...Mom, T3 and I had a wonderful week in Ireland together. When she was diagnosed, she wasn't sure she'd be able to come with us on our spin around the old country. But she was determined that we would go - no matter what. We went and she came and T3 spent a special week with his Aunt and his Memaw. I've attached a picture of us at Newark waiting for our plane. Look how amazing and beautiful my Mom is.

Not the Greatest News

Just what I needed this weekend..

So, I've been hibernating since my mom's appointment last week with the Doc. It was time again to review her latest scans. I tried not to have too much scanxiety - but it was hard. Especially since she had to stop the cisplatin in the beginning of this chemo course.

The news was not the fantastic news we've come to expect. While her one remaining "original" tumor had shrunk since the last CT, she now has a new (not small) tumor on her liver.

The Doc put her on a new chemo regimen - Taxol. With this, she's 3 weeks on, 1 week off (rather than 2 on/1 off) and if all goes well, he may remove that 1 off week. Plus the side effects are a bit more severe.

But we move on. And pray for the best.

Blessings

As I ready myself for the Avon Walk this weekend by taking off one talisman (my grandmother's ring made into a necklace) and putting on another (my Avon Walk necklace with a pink ribbon, pink flip flop and sneaker as charms), I have been thinking how very blessed I am. Here are some of the reasons...

• When we found out my mother had Stage IV cancer in September, I don't think any of us thought she would be doing as well as she is 9 months in.
• Dad loves the fact that he loses custody of his car to me every weekend that I'm out.
• I have THE most supportive family and friends that anyone could ever hope for.
• I was able to read a book with and help T3 with his homework this weekend - which was a true joy. That boy is super smart.
• My godson knows that when he sees anyone in the military he should thank them for their service and he asked me to go with him. The smiles that he put on their faces on Saturday lit his face up.
• I spent an amazing day at the beach with most of my family which included the Blue Angels, but more importantly chatting, snacking and hunting for hermit crabs with the boys.
• Two changes that started last fall could have had had disastrous effects but turned out amazing.
• Thanks to our amazing supporters, Team No De-Feet walks for the 9th year. Without our donors, we would not have been able to raise $60,000 over these last years.

This weekend will be full of laughter and tears - an amazing journey undertaken by thousands of women and men who walk because we can. Pray for no rain, no blisters and strong legs. Our hearts, as always, will be full and I will be thinking of all of my blessings.

Pac Man, Kodiak's and Miracle Manicures

Thank you, Google. As anyone who's read my blog knows, I use Pac Man as my visualization for eating Mom's cancer up. Google celebrated Pac Man's 30th anniversary by having a playable Pac Man on their search page from Friday until Sunday. Love it. I'm thinking that all those games of Pac Man played were eating up more of Mom's cancer. I'll take just about anything as a good sign in the war against EC.

The Docs decided to stick with just using Irinotecan for now. I don't have any idea what that means but I can tell you that for some reason I felt upset when I heard this. Who knows what was working so well on mom's cancer...for whatever reason, we all thought it was the Cisplatin but it could have just as easily been the Irinotecan. We'll find out at the next set of CTs/MRIs (some time the week of June 14) if the Irinotecan alone is as effective. So, say your prayers, send your well wishes and imagine Pac Man eating up the cancer!

Baby Bro's brand new restaurant, Kodiak's, opened on Sunday. Place looks great and the food is totally awesome. As are the drinks. I think it's going to be a huge hit and I am so proud of all that he's done there. It's really quite amazing.

Mom discovered the miracle manicure at her nail salon a few months ago. I pooh poohed her for a month or so. I refuse to get manicures because they last about two days. I don't have that kind of time for maintenance! Mom kept insisting that this manicure lasted for three weeks - I kept saying that she had a life of leisure now and THAT was the reason why the manicure was lasting for so long. She finally convinced me to try it, which I did last month when we went for mother/daughter mani/pedis. And, she's totally right. It does last. I just went for my third one with Mom and SIL this past Saturday. I have been going every two weeks because you can see growth at the bottom of the nail after that. But, seriously? No chips and even better - no broken nails. So, if your nail salon offers a gel manicure, get thee one. You will be amazed. There aren't as many colors, but I can live with that. And, it's a little more than a regular manicure, but worth it.

Last thing, Team No De-Feet walks the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in Chicago June 5th and 6th. This member is wholly unprepared but will walk for as long as I can. So, think about us next weekend when you're at the pool or beach or whatever your doing and pray for no blisters, no rain, and strong legs. Our hearts will be full.

Stable

When it comes to follow-up CT and MRI results with a cancer diagnosis there are few words more beautiful than "stable." Decreased is one. NED, which stands for no evidence of disease, is the most beautiful. Wiktionary defines stable as "relatively unchanged." When you're looking at measurements of tumors on a scan, relatively unchanged is pretty awesome. Stable appeared in Mom's CT results from last week 12 times (yes, I counted). "No new suspicious" appeared 3 times. Decreased (only the 2nd most beautiful word as far as these things go) appeared one blessed time.

In the pre-chemo baseline CT, Mom had mets to the lung, a few lymph nodes, and the liver. And, of course, the main tumor in the esophagus. Then, there was that pesky second cancer in the kidney. Everything, except the kidney tumor, is at least half the size now as it was in the baseline. Some are still there, but not measurable. Some are gone completely. There are no new suspicious findings. So, yet another fantastic set of test results.

We enter a new stage now. After yet another allergic reaction to the cisplatin yesterday, the Doc has decided that he's going to take her off it. Mom will start a new chemotherapy combination next Monday. Her Doc is consulting with the MSK Doc in NYC to determine a new combo. We have had such luck with the cisplatin/irnitocan combo that it's hard to say goodbye to it. Even though it's the right thing. Let's hope the new combo works as well with as few side effects. Keep up all the prayers, well wishes, asteroid killing and pacman eating visualizations.

Tests

Mom goes for her follow-up CT and MRIs tomorrow. It'll be interesting because this was the course where she developed her allergy to cisplatin. So, rather than 4 doses of irinotecan and 4 of cisplatin she was only able to get a bit over 3 of the cisplatin.

She's also worried because she's had a headache for the past week. Every headache she gets brings the fear of recurrence in her brain. She doesn't think it's the same type of headache she had with the tumors...and the weather has been insane over the past week. So, it's probably nothing. Most likely sinus-related..

But...there's always that but. I can't speak for my entire family; but, I think we all live with this undercurrent of fear. Last fall was hell - first we find out she has cancer and she immediately has to have brain surgery. Then because of a lot of reasons we "waste" an additional 2 months getting the correct diagnosis. And the only thing we wanted was for her to start getting treatment.
But since then? We have been so lucky - side effects are dealable (says the person who doesn't have to deal with them) and her response to the chemo has been nothing short of stupendous. Nothing but good news since Jan 4.

The fear still remains though. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the bad news to start coming. Please don't let it start tomorrow. So, say a little prayer or send your good wishes out in to the universe that tomorrow's tests bring good news on Monday.

Diets, Chemo and Bermuda

I went shopping with my mom on Saturday...I was looking for some clothes for this work thing I have to go to mid-May. So, we go to the mall - first stop, Coldwater Creek. I find some appropriate things, Mom finds some stuff that I'm not crazy about but promise to try on. Now, I am a little worried because I've noticed that most of my clothes have become uncomfortably tight. So, I take my "normal" size and a size above into the dressing room. And NOTHING fits. NOTHING! A few tops, but no pants, skirts or dresses fit. I should have just stopped there. Because seriously, if nothing fits in Coldwater Creek - where the sizes are generous - I'm a LOT heavier than I think I am. And, I am not buying stuff three sizes bigger than what I think is my "real" size. (Because, I really liked a pair of pants that I tried on so I went two sizes bigger. Still too tight.)

But, do we stop? NO! Stupidly, we go in to Banana Republic. I tried on a pair of pants that I loved, I asked my mom to go and get me that pair that was three sizes larger. I would have bought them too - if they fit. Now, I'm almost in tears and my mom is trying to be a good cheerleader, but she can't cheer the uncheerable. Now, I'm ready to go home. But, I figure we'll try Macy's. I find a few tops and a decent dress. And buy a pair of pants that are a little small...stupid. I know.

So, now my mom and I are talking diets. And, I'm hating - absolutely hating - everything she's saying to me. And, she convinces me to join a gym. The next day, she forces me on the scale. (Only my mom and my Dr. can get me on a scale.) And, while I don't think I'm fat, I am definitely overweight. I need to lose 20 pounds. My mom seems to think I can lose 10 in 3 weeks (for my work thing).

So, here it is. Just about 41 and I am now on my first diet ever. Three days into it - and crap, I have no idea how I'm going to last. I'm hungry all the time. I live for my english muffin that I have every morning for breakfast. I don't think I ever really knew how much I love carbs until now when I have practically none.

I think every woman I know has been on a diet at least once in their life. So, I get that I've been lucky for most of my life. Doesn't make me hate this diet any less. Because, three days into it - I'm sick of salad and I miss croutons. And cheese. How I love and miss cheese.

My mom has struggled with her weight for most of her adult life. She and her friend used to joke that it took cancer to get them thin. Mom's upset that she's gained most of the weight back that she lost last year before she knew she had cancer (we tell her it's a GOOD thing).

Mom just finished her third round of chemo...except now there's a complication. She has developed an allergy to cisplatin. Last week, about halfway through the cisplatin, she started getting all blotchy and her tongue started swelling. She was red from her forehead to her knees. Tongue started swelling up. They stopped the IV and eventually reversed the effects with some high doses of a steroid. Doc doesn't want to stop the cisplatin because he is convinced that is what is working so well on the cancer. So, this week, he makes her take a bunch of steroids in the 12 hours before the chemo, in addition to extra steroids that they give her when she goes for chemo. And, she's able to take most of the cisplatin this week. They did have to stop it towards the end because she started to have another allergic reaction, but they got most of it in. And, so it goes - the docs trying to balance trying not to kill you with the "cure."

Next week is an off week and also the week she goes for her CT and MRI. Again, I ask you - think good strong thoughts about Pac Man, Asteroids, and anything else that kills rogue cancer cells. Send all your prayers or good thoughts out there for my mom.

Last thing, Dad surprised Mom with a trip to Bermuda to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary. They're staying at the same hotel they spent their honeymoon at. Sweet, right? Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad. The fact that you love (and like) each other more today than you did 45 years ago is an inspiration to us all.

Choices

I was speaking to a friend today and told her that I thought my life was falling apart around me. I complained about my total and complete inertia on the weekends that I stayed home.

For example...I have such a large pile of clothing that needs to go to the dry cleaners that I needed to scramble every day this week for something to wear to work. I had to "save" a suit to wear for a client meeting today. My apartment is a total mess - the worst it has EVER been. And, that's saying something. I adore the friend that said I'm not a slob, this is just evidence of my "passionate living." I don't think that is at all true (especially now), but I give her huge points for positive spin.

So, I was trying to work out why I am plagued by this inertia...am I like the anorexic who doesn't feel in control over other parts of her life, so controls what she puts (or doesn't put) in her mouth? Do I feel so out of control because of my mom's cancer that I'm controlling this environment that I live in? My friend cut me off right there...she said that while that could be the case, she thought that maybe I'm just tired. And, I am making a choice not to do things that I "should" do because when I'm home I need down time. And, if down time is reading, messing around on FB, or doing nothing at all, then that's ok. And, I should stop feeling so damn guilty.

So, rather than thinking about the 500 things I "should" do this weekend, I am going to focus on the thing that I absolutely have to do - get to the dry cleaners. I may need to take out another mortgage to pay for it, but hey you gotta do what you gotta do.

Last thing - I noticed that my last post was on April 1 and I was so happy about the joys of spring and all it means...so my question is - has anyone seen Spring? Been missing around here for a few weeks.

Spring!

It's been spring for a few weeks now...but today is the first day in NYC that it really feels it.

Spring is a time of rebirth, renewal and regrowth (except for cancer! Spring is cancer's kryptonite. No scientific proof of this, just a belief that I'm going with.). I felt all the promise that spring brings on the way to work today. Flowers blooming, trees budding, rain (finally) stopping. Forecast for an awesome Easter weekend. It's such a hopeful season!

Today, I received even more news to be hopeful. A friend on the EC listserv received wonderful news today. Towards the end of this holiest week, she received news that her husband is in remission! No tests, no chemo for 4 months. What a wonderful gift for the spring and start of the summer. I am so happy for them!

This gentleman was diagnosed a few short months before my mother - and I have felt a special kinship with them because of the brain mets (this is so rare in EC - they're the only other ones on the listserv with brain mets). While Mom's cancer is more advanced than his was, this news gave me another burst of hope.

Happy Spring! Happy April!

Results

I started this blog shortly after receiving my mom's first follow-up CT results. It was only a little over a month ago, but it seems like forever ago. Back then, I knew that while those particular results were positive, my mom's cancer was much more advanced than I had realized. I was in a pretty bad place emotionally. I had lost most of my hope and I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to deal with anything.

I am in an entirely different place now - thank God. Because seriously, while this blog may be about me and my journey - my Mom's cancer is about HER. And I need to be able to be strong and hopeful for my Mom and Dad.

Mom's results came back and they continue to be good. The MRI still shows no new/recurrence in the brain. WHEW! The CT continues to show improvement - most of the lung nodules are gone, the liver tumor is smaller as is the main esophageal tumor. Sis and I went to the Dr. with Mom this Monday. Mom asked the Dr. if he ever saw this just "go away." He said...yes. Mom pointed out when we spoke about it later that there was a long pause there. So, not likely, but possible. I do have to say, I wish these doctors would stop handling us with kid gloves. When we ask these questions, we want realistic answers. He could have said - yes, but it doesn't happen that often. Or, ever? Sure. But, it's not the most probable scenario. Or, whatever the truth is. (In fairness, I suppose we could have asked a follow-up question.)

Mom has been worrying that she's going to be on chemo forever, so Sis asked what about a break in chemo. Do you see that? Dr. said yes. (No pause there.) Problem is that Mom has that pesky second cancer - so if they think that she's well enough to go off chemo for at least six weeks, they'd probably be scheduling surgery to remove (at least part of, if not all) her kidney. Which kind of sucks, but what can you do? As we all know, Cancer Sucks! And, it doesn't play fair.

Here's the thing though...I mentioned that I signed up for an EC listserv back in December. And, while there is a lot of hope there, there's also a lot of people that have horrific side effects from their chemo. And, Mom? NONE of that. First, unless you really know her, you wouldn't know she was sick just by looking at her. Her worst side effect is fatigue - she tires fairly easily nowadays. She's nauseous for the first few days after chemo, but she can control it (mostly) with meds. Some people on my listserv are too fatigued to do much of anything - Mom babysat yesterday for her two precious (and active) grandchildren. Yes, she was tired at the end of the day (but, no more than I would have been!). So, she's lucky. We talked about that on Monday, too.

On the last day of National Women's History month, I thank my favorite woman in the world. For teaching me to be me and instilling in me a strong sense of self-worth. For handling a crappy diagnosis with grace, dignity, strength and amazing spirit. I love you, Mom.

Test Anxiety...

When I was in school, every test I ever took I was anxious about. The tests I have taken since school for my career...anxious isn't strong enough a word. Series 7 - first thing I ever took for my career. First, everyone tells you how hard it is. Then, I was failing all of the practice tests that I took - right up until the last one. Plus, I was terrified that I was going to be fired if I failed (that doesn't happen, but still!). I couldn't imagine telling my boss that I failed. ARGH. CTFA - wasn't as worried, but still a little. CFP - the one that was three years of qualifications before the big exam that took two days to take. Worried that I would forget everything from the first two years. But, here's the thing...I could study for those. And even though I was worried, I KNEW that I was in complete control of my own fate.

My mom has another set of follow-up tests this coming week. There is no studying for these tests. And she's not in control at all of what happens. The beast that is cancer is in complete control. Is it still responding to the chemo? Have her brain mets come back? Are the tumors smaller? If not smaller (the hope), then at least the same size? No way of knowing. No way of preparing.

You all know I'm a control freak. Hard for me to deal with something that I have no control over. The only thing we can do is hope and pray for the best. Prepare yourself mentally for the possibility of bad news.

And lean on the people who love you...so here's what I'm asking. Say a little prayer for Mom sometime this week. Send your best wishes for her out into the world. Imagine lasers from that Asteroids game exploding all of her cancer cells. Or a little Pac Man inside of her eating them all up. That's what I'm going to do.

And, I will try to remember these inspirational words...life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. It gets a little easier to do that every day.

A Little Inspiration to Get Me Through...

A dear friend died on Sunday...she was my Mom's best friend who fought a valiant battle against leukemia for close to two years. I take solace in the fact that she is now at peace and with her beloved husband and their two sons. She was in so much pain and at least, now that's over. I grew up Catholic and while I may have issues with my Church, there's enough in me that still believes in the basic tenets. That there is a God and we are not meant to understand. And that there is a Heaven and that some day, we will all be together again. I ache for her daughter that she leaves behind and hope that my cousin will take comfort and support from all of the sources that are offering it.

 

So, with that, I offer the below inspiration that was forwarded to me back when Mom was first diagnosed. Some of those chain-type emails have something to offer. This is one of those... 

 

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will.  Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone.  It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood... But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now.  Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ''In five years, will this matter?"
26. Always choose to live life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything.  Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life ... Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day ... Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

 

Wishes

My mom's best friend is dying. They met on their honeymoons when my Dad and Uncle discovered that they both lived on LI on the check-in line. They have been friends ever since. My Aunt had each of her babies about a year after my mom had each of hers. I always thought it was funny that they had the same kind in the same order - boy, girl, boy.

I remember summers spent at their house, in and out of the pool, running around as kids are wont to do. They moved to CT when we were teenagers and we didn't see them as much. By then, however, they were family. The kids are our "cousins" and my Aunt and Uncle will always be my Aunt and Uncle.

My Aunt has 2 kinds of leukemia and she's fought valiantly for almost two years but she's nearing the end. They have done everything they can and now there's nothing left to do. She has had so much tragedy in her life - lost a husband and her two sons. So, here are my hopes and wishes for my Aunt and my cousin and my mom.

• I hope that my Aunt is able to say good bye to everyone she loves - and that her friend from FL makes it in time.
• I hope that she is no longer in pain and goes in peace.
• I hope that my cousin is able to find comfort in the arms of her boyfriend and all those who love her.
• I hope that my mom does not link my Aunt's journey to her own.
• I hope that hospice finds a bed soon to take some of the burden off of my cousin.
• I hope that my cousin is able to ask for what she needs from all of us - I know how difficult that can be.

And my wishes to all of you, remember to tell those you love that you love them today. And try to every day.

Celebrations

My Dad's 70th birthday is today. My sister suggested we have a dinner for him at a steakhouse that he and my Mom love. I thought it was a great idea because I figured my Mom didn't want to deal with the hassles that a party brings along.  So, I spoke to Mom to see if that sounded good to her. She confirmed that she didn't want a party and that a dinner would be wonderful. Mom finally decided who she wanted to invite...and we ended up pulling off the surprise. I thought he was going to find out or guess countless times. My younger brother had me convinced mere hours before the party that Dad knew. But, he was just kidding. So we were able to surprise him, which is kind of awesome.

I thought one or all of us should get up and say something to honor my Dad. But, I stole an idea from a blog I read and decided that instead we could do 70 Random Facts about him rather than a formal speech. So, without further ado, here are 70 random facts about Dad, brought to you by my entire family:

1. He was born in 1940.
2. His Dad died when he was 18.
3. Because of that and the financial effect on his mother, he insisted my mother go to college and get her nursing degree when we were all little.
4. He always said that this would enable her to tell him to go “shit in his hat” if she ever needed to. And she's needed to several times.
5. He graduated from college with a major in Criminal Justice and a minor in Animal Husbandry.  That's come in real handy on the old homestead.
6. He was in the Army.
7. His mother set him up with my mother. Well, sort of. Nana got a lot more than she bargained for – she just was looking for a pen pal for him when he was stationed in Korea.  Instead, she found him a wife.
8. Some time into his courtship with Mom, she cooked dinner for him and her father. He ate an entire meal of hamburgers that were burnt on the outside but raw on the inside and hollow peas. Asked for seconds.
9. He introduced Mom to H&J and all of their kids. H&J were so kind to my mom and my Dad never forgot it.
10. Because they were so kind to her, the only children invited to their wedding were H&J's kids.
11. When Mom and Dad were newlyweds, H&J went on a cruise and Mom and Dad babysat. It was an enlightening experience in childcare.
12. Until this year, he has always claimed to be two years younger than he actually is because he was sick for two years and says they don’t count.
13. Until my brother got to be a bigwig in the PD, you could Google my dad's name and find a study that was done on his blood because of said childhood illness.
14. He spent a long time in Rockefeller University Hospital and could see the 59th Street Bridge from his hospital room. He counted the lights on said bridge. He tells me this every time he drives me home.
15. He’ll eat just about anything. No matter how long it’s been in the fridge.
16. He built the extension on their house.
17. He loved being a cop but retired from the job so he could afford to pay for his children’s college education. None of whom did 4 and out after high school. Sorry about that, Dad.
18. He has two sisters and a brother.
19. He is the baby of his family and his sister would threaten neighborhood bullies on his behalf.
20. He knows everyone.  Or so it seemed when we were a teenagers trying to get away with stuff.
21. His wife is his best friend.  And soul mate.
22. He will celebrate his 45th wedding anniversary this May.
23. He has three children, a daughter in law and two perfect grandsons.
24. He had champagne waiting in the hotel room on their honeymoon and my mom thought it was from her parents.
25. He quit smoking – cold turkey – after 50 years about 20 minutes before he was checked into the hospital for valve replacement and bypass surgery. Pretty sure he didn’t know that would be his last cigarette.
26. He has a very small needle in his heart.  Yeah, from that surgery.
27. He played math games at the dinner table with us.
28. One of his quit smoking techniques was to have a bunch of cigarettes in a glass jar in water, which he kept on a kitchen shelf in full view of the dinner table.  It was disgusting and I can't believe that one didn't take.
29. He reads three newspapers most days.
30. He misses having a dog.
31. All of his proudest moments are from his wife and children’s accomplishments. (Not sure if any of us will beat how he felt when his son was named Chief.)
32. He dropped his firstborn twice.
33. He scarred his daughter by catching her leg on an open nail in the “custom-made bed.”
34. That was during the month he spent every weekend at the Hospital Emergency Room - 1st the oldest stepped on a nail, then he injured me, then the youngest ate poisonous berries. He was sure that they were going to call Child Protective Services.
35. He laughs when he speaks of his youngest son getting into 5 car accidents before he turned 5.
36. He thinks it’s funny that his cute, sweet daughter in pigtails threatened her older brother with, “Get out of my room or I’ll break your face.”
37. He is impressed that his eldest son was able to mix the color on the red paint when he was about 2. Didn’t really care that they boy painted the oil burner, washer and dryer with said paint. Mom – not impressed and did care. A lot.
38. He gave his wife Mace for protection back in the day when civilians couldn’t carry the stuff.
39. He did not think that Child Protective Services was going to be called when his three children decided to spray the stuff in an enclosed vehicle in the Waldbaums parking lot when she went in for “just one thing” and came out a ½ hour later to her three kids outside of the car coughing and crying.
40. He coached little league for both of his sons.
41. When Mom was working and going to Nursing School, Dad spent two years being my brownie mom - he came to all the meetings, did my birthday cupcakes. I thought it was a little embarrassing but every brownie mom loved having him there.
42. He’s been a volunteer fireman for 40+ years. Although, now he’s fire police.
43. He is Chief Elf for the FD Christmas party. And, always has been. Even for the about 20 years that he didn’t have a kid/grandkid getting a present.
44. He hates when husbands refer to their wives as the “old ball and chain” or other less than flattering terms.
45. He got lists from his wife every weekend and procrastinated till the last minute not knowing his wife would be happy if he got two things done on the list.
46. He will never say no to his children and seems genuinely happy to do anything they ask.
47. He built beautiful doll houses for many years.
48. He told his children for four years straight he was getting a boat and then mom said we were and everyone knew the time had come.
49. He has a reputation for being a great street cop.
50. He is honest and has a lot of integrity.
51. He is the patriarch of a very loving family.
52. He Loves Jeopardy.
53. He sang to his children and played lots of games with them.
54. He worked hard and often times two jobs.
55. He took his family on beautiful vacations.
56. He loves his new winter hat, the first ever to be sanctioned by Mom.
57. He cannot wait to by Spyder jackets for his grandsons each year.
58. And, this year he was happy to buy snow boots and snow pants for their snowboarding lesson.
59. Every video game he ever played was his best game ever.
60. He is now the proud owner of a BMW convertible. With whom he currently only has visitation, but custody will be returned soon.
61. He calls himself Unkie Tom.
62. He was distraught when the Dodgers left Brooklyn.
63. He was delighted when the Mets came around and has been a die hard fan ever since.
64. Although everyone got in trouble for it, Susie was the one who peeled the paint off the back of the bathroom door.
65. We all hated driving with him on Sundays because we were forced to listen to Fordham's Irish music program.
66. On a camping vacation to New Hampshire and Vermont, we took Dad's niece with us. Mom and Dad got into a fight and she was very upset because she thought the vacation was over...she was shocked that Mom and Dad made up quickly and the vacation continued. From that day forward she call us the Cosby family - all problems solved in 25 minutes.
67. He's the first call for his children, nieces and nephews, and various close friends of his children when they get into trouble (and they do).
68. The first time Dad went to Vegas was with his mother and father-in-law - he and Poppy thought they died and went to heaven.
69. He invented no thank you portions for his children - and any underage visitor who joined us for dinner. Although per Mom, there were two exceptions to the no thank you rule: liver and lima beans.
70. He has been our biggest cheerleader and fan throughout the years and taught each of us that we could do anything that we put our minds to.

For all of these reasons and a million more, today we honor my dad - husband, father, poppy, brother, uncle, friend and all around great guy. We love you, Dad. Happy 70th birthday.

Chemo Day

Today is mom's chemo day. I happen to be off work - and dad's at jury duty - so I took her. I've been once before, but didn't stay the whole time, and today is a bit different in any event. Here's a chemo day in the life...

She sees the Dr. before each chemo treatment. They take some blood to make sure her levels are okay or if she needs an iron transfusion (if her H&H is low). I'm most concerned about her Bun and Creatin levels - these are measurements of her kidney function. One of the chemo drugs (cisplatin) is extremely toxic to the kidney. So, she has to be very good about drinking a ton of fluids chemo week. Anyway, she's good to go this week. We've been lucky so far - she's had a couple of colds and sinusitis - but to date, she hasn't had to miss a chemo treatment for any reason.

The Doc/nurse also does a mini physical and refills any prescriptions. It's a little upsetting because Mom only gets to see her Doc once every two or three appointments. She feels like she sees a different doctor each time she comes. We've talked about this but she finds it very aggravating. She wants to see the same Dr. every week. I think it's because they want her to have the chemo on the same day at about the same time each week and her regular doc isn't always available then. Anyway, new doc today. So, before we even go in, she's upset. I think it would be less upsetting if she saw the same 2-3 Docs in a cycle. But they have a lot of Doctors here and she has yet to have a repeat (except her regular Dr.).

Then we go to the chemo waiting area. There are about 10 people waiting before us today. Mom says this isn't the norm - that they usually wait 5-10 minutes before they get called in. Today, we were done with the Dr. appt by 11 and it's now 12:30 and we haven't started chemo yet. It takes 3-4 hours to deliver the chemo...we think we're next.

Finally got called in at about 1 - apparently, there were a few bad reactions to treatment today so they're a bit behind. So, she's upset about that. I wonder, is it this upsetting to her when my Dad is here? Or is it just me? Or, just a weird day?

She gets 3 decodran (a steroid) on chemo day. Makes her insanely chatty and she's not able to sleep for the three days she's on it. Seems to have kicked in now. My younger brother finds her hysterical when she's on the decodran. I just think it's weird. Seeing your mom high may be funny sometimes, but it's mostly disturbing to me.

So, that's chemo day in a nutshell. Today, Mom fell asleep about 10 minutes in - she is tired a lot these days. That's really her primary symptom - fatigue. Things could be way worse. Today's Dr. reminded us how wonderful her February CT results were. And, I'm starting to see that...

A Work in Progress

I got a haircut today...and I realized something. There are two things that it's hard for me to do - and I don't think I'm alone in this.

The first is to accept a compliment graciously. Three people told me that my hair looked great after I got back from the cut. Instead of just saying, "Thank you," like my mother taught me, I went on and on about how it was never going to look like this again. I am ridiculous. During the third time, I realized what I was doing. But I couldn't stop myself (picture little me on my shoulder saying, shut up!). At a certain point, I realized that I was actually making this person uncomfortable because they thought I looked pretty. Seriously, who wants to give someone a compliment and then have to convince them to accept it?

Thinking about this tonight, I realized that I do this all the time. Someone says, you look nice today. My response, really? There are a few exceptions to this for me...if someone compliments something I'm wearing, that is easy for me to accept. If someone compliments something I have done, sometimes I can accept those, but sometimes I downplay my role in whatever it was. I don't know why I feel so reticent about accepting compliments about the way I look, but it's something I'm going to work on. For now, I'll just blame the image that the media portrays of women. (I'm at least half joking about that.)

The second is asking for and/or accepting help. This is mostly confined to my personal life, but sometimes falls into my professional life. The work thing is about me being a control freak. I get that and am much better now than I was five years ago. Or even six months ago. The personal thing..who knows where it comes from. But, if there is one thing that my mom's cancer has taught me it's that we all need help sometimes. I've gotten better at accepting help - it has literally poured in from all directions to all of us since September. The only thing I can say is Thank you. Thank you for your million kindnesses, all of your prayers, your notes and for just being you.

Asking for help is a little harder than accepting help that's just offered out. I have to remind myself that the people I would ask have left an open invitation for me. Maybe it's because I'm flailing a little bit here. Not really sure what I need. But I'm working on it...thinking about it, writing about it - that's helped. So, a big thanks goes to Katharine for starting her blog a month ago. For making it look easy to be brave. And for helping me without even knowing it. And to think, she thought her blog was about her!

Mothers and Daughters and Apples

I think that I'm a pretty good daughter to my mom. For the most part. Once we got past my, admittedly horrible, teenage years. I was completely convinced she was the dumbest person on earth back then. I may have had a few flashes of insight into her awesomeness during those years...but for the most part, we did not get along. At all. For about 10 years. Lots of yelling. Mostly along the you just don't understand vein. Sometimes, I hate you. Or I can't wait until I can get out of this house. You know, normal mother/teenage daughter angst.

But, when I got into my early 20s and started living in the "real world," out of that cozy place that we all live until we start paying our own bills, something clicked. Our relationship turned on a dime. I was still living at home but it was so much easier. I was an adult and, for the most part, treated like one by both of my parents.

When I moved out (or as my Dad says, ran away), it got even better. I mean, it's not all sunshine and flowers, but we get along really well. I KNOW how lucky I am that my whole family gets along - of course we love one another, but the best part? We genuinely LIKE one another. When we're all together, wow it's loud. (We are from Long Island, what of it?) But, it's full of love and laughter. I have never ever doubted this.

We've even traveled together. Just the two of us. Sharing a room. I have friends who know this and are amazed that we enjoy going away together. London. Paris. Hong Kong. Tokyo and Kyoto. Best trip ever? Egypt. This summer we were planning to take my nephew to Ireland. And if she feels up to coming, great! But if not, I'll make her feel like she was there. I'll take lots of notes and a million pictures.

I used to call her a few times a week. One of my brothers called her every day - I would joke about being a horrible child. But it was fine. I am not a big phone person and she was okay with that. I'd go home (my parents house will always be home) once a month or so. But now I call every day. And I am a total nag - are you drinking your drinks, what did you eat, how are you feeling? I don't think she minds. Most of the time. The funny thing is if I now miss a day, she's worried - are you okay? What happened? And I go home most weekends. Because I want to. And she has to encourage me not to come out and to take time for myself.

Today I'm thinking how lucky I was that my parents met, fell in love and got married almost 45 years ago. And that they had three kids. And that my brother met my sister-in-law and had two wonderful kids of their own. Because everything that's happened has brought me to this place right here. Where I adore and admire and like my mom. Where she is now a person I am honored to call friend as well as mom. Where sometimes she sees something in me that reminds her of herself and calls me her apple. The most treasured compliment - to be the apple that doesn't fall that far from my mom's tree.

Grateful

Okay, so I am grateful for many things in my life...but this is going to be a list of the Top 10 Reasons I'm Grateful for my Job/Career. I find that the longer I go without a vacation the less I can deal with the everyday annoyances at work. I also find that about a week before my next vacation I start to freak out that I will not get all the things done that I absolutely MUST get done before I go on vacation. It's been about 5 months since my last vacation. And, Friday is my last day before being out for a week. So, I'm in crunch time right now. And, for those reasons and a bunch more, not feeling very grateful.

But...I received a note from a friend this afternoon because she had "one of those days" at work. So, it's for her I'm writing this list. I hope that something on here will resonate with her or, at the very least, make her smile.

So, in no particular order...

1. At its core, my job is about helping people achieve their long term goals. And, how many of us gets to say that?
2. Most of the time (>50% anyway), I'm pretty good at it.
3. I have the best boss/mentor in the world. Who, I have to say, thinks I'm the cat's meow. Isn't that awesome?
4. I get 5 weeks of vacation a year. This year I started with 7 because I rolled two from last year. There's no way I'll be able to take it all...but, still - pretty cool.
5. In a country where people pay a fortune for crappy health insurance or have none at all, my company pays for my pretty decent plan. Yes, spoiled. Very spoiled, I know.
6. I work at a bank that did not take any TARP money (and didn't do any of those bad bank things) and who most people have never heard of. That anonymity's been pretty sweet over the last two years.
7. I laugh at least once, and most of the time way more than that, a day.
8. People I respect think I'm smart. And, most days, I feel smart.
9. I was hired as a secretary and am now a Senior Vice President. Not a lot of places you can do that.
10. When the head of the office found out that my mom was sick, he told me that the most important thing was to do what I needed to do for my family. That whatever time I needed to take off, I should take off. And I believe him. My boss was even more generous - basically working over her entire two week vacation because that was when Mom was first diagnosed and had brain surgery and I wasn't in the office that much.

Listing those came pretty easy to me...there are a lot more that I haven't included here. I bet that if you think about it, each of you can list your own ten reasons why your grateful for your job. We should all do that once in a while. There's always going to be stuff that makes us crazy...but if you like (or love, like me) what you do and the company you do it for (at least most of the time), get paid a decent (or more than decent) wage, and are respected? Well then, try to focus on the positive. Especially when you leave for paradise in 3 work days (7 days total). That's my goal. Remind me of that when I blog the Top 10 Reasons I Hate my Job. ;)

One Good Thing…

Did you ever notice how one good thing can change your whole outlook? Or, if not your entire outlook, can just make you a little happier?

As you know, I've been a bit down in the dumps lately. Had kind of a crappy weekend. I came in to work today so tired because while I slept okay last night, I barely slept at all from Saturday into Sunday. (Those paying attention would have noticed that my first blog was posted BEFORE 6 am. This was after I had to set it up and write it. I got maybe an hour of sleep.)

Anyway...I came in this morning dreading the day a little bit. (In general, I love my job and enjoy coming in.) I had a meeting scheduled for 10 with one of my smartest clients. As I recently told a friend, I much prefer my dumb clients. ;) Seriously, I get much more stressed before the smart ones. Mostly I want to make sure I don't say anything stupid...I am assured that this hasn't happened yet. But, hey, you never know. One day I could just declare (with 100% certainty) that the yield curve is among the flattest it has been in history when I meant to say that it's among the steepest. You get the idea. So...after a crappy weekend, I come in being stressed about a challenging meeting that is going to happen. Mornings being what they are around here, I don't get as much time to review before the meeting as I would have liked.

And...it went great. Really great. There was a lot of interesting discussion; I had a few smart points to make AND they gave us more money to manage. (That's always a good sign.) Walked out of there with a bounce in my step.

So, this is my goal. To think of and remember and really feel one good thing a day.

Blue

A friend of mine started a blog last month and I thought she was so brave. I also thought that I would never do something like that - putting my innermost thoughts out there for everyone to see. Then this week happened. The story really started last September.

My mom had been feeling bad for about a month (maybe longer) - waking up with headaches, intermittent nausea...eventually balance problems. She, a nurse, finally decided to see a doctor after the nausea turned to vomiting. She went to her Dr. who wanted her to have an MRI, which she declined (claustrophobic). They did a head CT and what showed up on there was worrisome enough that they wanted her to have an MRI. Stat. Turns out she had several "lesions" (nice way of saying tumors) in her cerebellum. Scary enough, right? They did a full body CT and found a lesion in her kidney. So, they tentatively diagnosed her with Renal Cell Carcinoma with metastases (mets) to the brain. We (my dad, two brothers, sister-in-law, nephews and of course, MOM) were all so scared. But, she was being diagnosed in the hospital she worked in. And they were so gentle with us. Maybe too gentle.

Everything seemed to move very fast after that...within two and 1/2 weeks of her diagnosis, she was moved to one of the best cancer centers in the country, she had brain surgery to remove the largest of the tumors. She was discharged to home 3 days after surgery. Crazy right? But, she recuperated well. After her stitches were removed, she went for radiation. 8 treatments. An hour each - no nasty side effects. We - ok, maybe just me - were lulled into a false sense of security. This is going to be a piece of cake.

Then, things seemed to move much slower. They did a PET scan. Were worried about some activity around her esophagus and in her liver. She went for an endoscopy. She had esophageal cancer (EC). I didn't really know what that meant. And, from my web search of kidney cancer decided I'd prefer to be in the dark for now.

Then, another CT scan. All of these tests and appointments with each specialist (downside of one of the best cancer centers in the country - every doc has a sub-specialty) took a long time. Then, because they now weren't sure what the brain mets were from - EC or Kidney - they wanted to do a biopsy on the kidney. We finally get the news in late December. About a week before Christmas. Three months into this. She hasn't even started chemo yet. We were all like, this is CANCER. Haven't we all heard that the earlier it's caught the better? Let's get moving. It was the most frustrating 2 months (after she finished radiation). Anyway, Mom's got Stage IV Metastatic Esophageal Cancer. See how I capitalized everything there? That's how it sounded. Oh, yeah and that spot on the kidney - a second cancer. Can you believe that? Mom has two cancers - Esophageal and Kidney. But, the kidney cancer is very early stage. They're not even treating it. Just watching.

My mom, dad, sister and I were all at this appointment. (Side note: my sister is also a nurse and one of the smartest people I know. You need an advocate - and you DO when dealing with something like this, she's your woman.) We asked all the questions about treatment options. Then, mom asks the question about how long. We all want to know. But, shit. We don't want to know. And, we definitely don't want to hear the answer. Doc very gently tells us a year. Then goes on about it's an average and it just means that 1/2 the people live less than a year; 1/2 longer. I'm not going to lie and say how we all just jumped into well, let's be that other 1/2. It was hard. Still is. She waited to start chemo until January 4. She was still feeling okay and was unsure how she would tolerate chemo and wanted to have as good a holiday season as she could. Wanted it for all of us. And while there was a tinge of sorrow, it really was a great Christmas. Fantastic, even. Then we had a Christmas party for my mom's whole family that we hadn't had in years and that was awesome.

Anyway...the reason for my post this morning. Mom's into her second round of chemo. After the first round, they did another CT to compare to the one they did in December after the diagnosis. And, if I had seen the December results in December, I probably would be shouting with joy right now. But I didn't. And I was thinking - and even told my mom this (who was so shocked that this is where I was she couldn't even tell me that this was not an option for her) - that maybe, just maybe, after another round or two of chemo she could be a surgical candidate.

One of the first things I did after the diagnosis was to sign up for an EC listserv. And, there are a LOT of people there who have survived a long time after a Stage IV diagnosis. But almost all of them have had surgery to remove their esophagus. It's an insane surgery. Very long, very complicated, huge amount of recovery. But, it's the closest thing to a cure. And about a week before my mom's CT, I'm hopeful. She's doing ok with the chemo. Is nauseous a lot. But, we all think it's working because her appetite's come back a bit. And, she's able to eat things now that she wasn't able to before because of the blockage.

But, her first appointment after the CT is on President's Day and I go with my parents to the appointment. And I see the CT results. And the December results. And the December results? WAY different than the October results. The cancer is freaking everywhere. Lungs. Liver. Pelvic Organs. Nodes by the pelvic organs. I had no clue. Me and my dad, apparently, are the only ones surprised by this news. I thought I was listening really hard to the Docs all this time, but I guess you only hear what you want to hear.

I was so shell shocked that I couldn't even SEE the good news. And, there was good news. Everything, and I mean everything, was smaller than it had been in December.

So, that was two weeks ago. I was ok for the first week. Made myself sick this week. And, this weekend? It's been my own private hell. I have an amazing support system of friends and family and family who are friends. But you see...if I say what I'm thinking out loud. If I say how afraid I am? Well now, that just makes it all too real. And I have enough real in my life. Writing it doesn't hurt as much.