I went to LI to visit Mom this weekend...we had a fantastic time. Saturday was spent doing our album for our Ireland trip on Shutterfly, then we went to see The Social Network (GREAT movie!), then shopping! And, since it was for boots (and not clothes) it was quite successful. Then, we went to Baby Bro's restaurant for dinner with Big Bro, SIL and my two fabulous nephews. Then, Sunday I had a great time at Baby Bro's restaurant watching the Jets slaughter the Broncos (ok, maybe not slaughter, but whatever, a win's a win).
Then, today came. I took today off work because I wanted to go to the Doc with Mom and Dad for the CT/MRI results. Bit of a communication problem at the premier cancer treatment center and Mom received a call this morning - BEFORE going to the Doc for the results - from a secretary wanting to schedule an appointment with the radiologist. Shouldn't happen.
Anyway, we had a heads up that the MRI results were disappointing. Found out at the appointment that the small spot that was seen on the last MRI was now several spots and there was additional swelling where her surgery was last year. Not good. I guess we'll hear more on Thursday about treatment options but it sucks. Also, the CT results were ok..not great, not awful...but, the liver tumor is a little bigger than it was the last time. For now, the Doc isn't changing her chemo regimen - she's going to stay on the Taxol - but it doesn't seem to be as effective. Plus, she'll go off the chemo while she's undergoing radiation for the brain tumors.
Mom is worried that this is the beginning of the end...I hated typing that last sentence but it's true. If the recommendation is full brain radiation, she's not going to let them do it because, in her words, she doesn't want to be a babbling idiot. She's trying to convince me that I don't want that either. I told her I'm not sure about that. I just want her around. As long as she's not in pain, I wouldn't care if she didn't know who I was.
Because my mom is a nurse, we used to talk all the time about what we would want if, God forbid, something awful happened to either of us. We agreed - no heroic measures. We wanted to die with dignity, blah, blah, blah. Do I still believe that now? For me, sure. But for my mom? When the very real possibility is staring me in the face every day now? When additional treatment may rob her of her speech, her memory, her ability to recognize us, her ability to take care of herself? But, could give her an additional 6 months or a year? Hell, no. I want EVERYTHING done.
But, this is her life. And, no matter what she decides, no matter what, I will support her. And, I will try to hide my pain from her. Because that's what she deserves. Because I promised her a long time ago - before she was ever sick - back when these promises should be made - when cooler heads prevail - when it seemed she was going to live forever - that I would respect her decisions and the way she wants to live and to die.